I’ve been looking up waiting for the other shoe to drop for a week now.  So far, I’ll I’ve gotten is a pain in the neck.

It’s bothersome when clichés are right.  In this case: “there is nothing to fear but fear itself.”  I KNOW that, yet it seems my mind is hardwired to fear and I have been somewhat anxious about the new school year; and about my training; and about how those two things are going to go together.

In case you are new to TriathlonMami, both of my kids went to school were I teach.  August 20^th, marked the day my two little boys moved into the public school system for Kindergarten and 1^st grade.  They both got into a small magnet program.  Their entry is as much a miracle as it would be for me to win first place at the IronMan. 

When I got the news the boys got in, I cried.  I had been prepared for my oldest son Dreamer to leave me, but I thought I had Fearless for another year under my wing.  You can read about that here.  Yet, if he didn’t move into the public magnet school now, there were no guarantees he would make it next year and I just couldn’t take that chance.  I had to let go of him, too.

I went alone to tour their new school and I stood tall and brave.  The principal walked with me around the school, and when I went into what would be Fearless’ kindergarten class my chin began to tremble, and once that happens the watery eyes follow, and once that happens …  I have no control of when it will stop.  When I met Dreamer’s future 1^stgrade teacher I lost it.  As she handed me a tissue paper, both she and the principal tried to console me.  I tried to explain that I was really happy they got in, and that I knew this was the place for them, and that they would be fine … I was the problem.  Now that I think about it … that was obvious.

Yet it was easy to find peace and not worry about how the boys would do in their new school.  Their entrance felt like a gift that I gladly accepted.  I placed my kids in God’s hands knowing they would be okay there.  Then, my anxiety turned to the details.

Joe, my husband, jokes that I look for things to worry about.  I worried about logistics, travel times, lunchboxes.  How would I get to work on time? I thought about how would I ever be able to train with our new schedule.  Would I need to cut my workouts short so I can make it in time? I worried I would not be able to do it all.My retort for Joe’s worrying joke was that it propelled me into action.  If I see a hurricane coming, I worry about it, and it leads me into the action of being prepared. But worry, itself is not an action, though it feels like one.  Worry is movement without progress.  It’s like being in a rocking chair going back and forth and back and forth but not going anywhere.  Unless you actually do something, like putting up the shutters in anticipation of a hurricane, worry is useless.  

In the case of our new school, I worried because I feared … I feared losing something I already have or, alternatively, not getting what I need.  It became clear to me.  I feared having to give up training, and so I worried about the details trying to figure out how I could keep doing it. 

The problem with my neat equation is that I lacked most of the details to be able to solve this logistical puzzle: I didn’t know what traffic was like, or what the schedule would be. I would only have those pieces once school actually started.  So here worry would not lead me to action.  Action could only come on August 20^th, yet I found myself trying to figure it out throughout the Summer.

So the dreaded first day came and we went to the new school.  I was prepared to feel that lump on my throat and brought sunglasses just to be on the safe side.  There was some tightness and anxiety but no tears: theirs or mine. I didn’t feel sadness in letting them go, I didn’t feel anxious that they would not make friends, I didn’t feel anything other than normalcy.  They could handle what was in front of them. The next day was the same. The day after was just as uneventful.  The first week went by, and as I got to know the school and its families, I felt absolutely welcomed while the boys seemed comfortable and at ease.

As for the logistics, I was finally able to take action.  Now I know the commute is not so bad, cafeteria lunch is an option, and what will mess up my training will actually be Joe’s travel schedule more than the boys’ school!  Training will have to be dealt with on a day-by-day basis depending on what the kids need that day, and if Joe is in town.  And frankly, now that my own teaching job has also begun, I don’t have time to waste worrying. 

I think I can finally stop looking up, waiting for the other shoe to drop, worrying about when it does and instead look ahead to what is actually in front of me and move forward.  What a relief that is!